D's got a point

There is no point me putting a discliamer. It would be so out of character.

"My name is Hayden Hamil and I suffer from nice guy syndrome. I have been playing Knight in shining armour for more than 20yrs."

That would be the scene if the support group existed. Instead some of us met between fiascos and drank ourselves silly. It's the only way we could get an excuse to express/confess our feelings having been BBQued at the nice guy stake. It also allows us to pretend it was the liquor talking so that listeners and tellers don't feel awkward on sobering up......just hung over. I don't know how non-drinkers do it....really I don't know because with my experiences I prefered to be in a haze when I recounted them.

I grew up with my mom and was taught all the wonderful gentlemanly things. I learned from school and the wider society from very early that women who are interested appreciated the gentlemanly touch. Those who were not never gave a damn really; But you dare not stop because then they'd say crap like "see I told you he was just pretending". Then you get caught in a situation trying to prove otherwise if you are too weak, or too young to realise the trap. I soon realised (by age 13/14) that if I was going to be nice, I had to do it because that's what I wanted to do, not because it was what was expected, that way if it went unappreciated (which it did 90% of the time) I wouldn't be bitter.

@#$%$#@&*#@

I grew up with women; mother, aunts, more female cousins than male, more female friends than male. I thought "I'll have an insight to women and I'll know what they want and how they think". 20 stinking years and all I have concluded is that I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't; (it's not as bad as that but sometimes you really get scared and wonder).

It is important to have male figures in life who can show you how to treat women so that you can see when they compromise and when they insist. That way we learn to be gentlemanly and men. Only male influences may lead to brutish behaviour, while mainly female influence will lead to gentlemanly but spineless men.

My mother did her best and she wasn't one of those mothers who was trying to mold into the man that women want. She got concerned that my younger brother and I were always falling for needy women. We were always coming to somebody's rescue. She tried to tell us that not everyone who cries wolf is in need of help. We didn't understand because its not like we intentionally sought out needy women. They stuck around and so you ended up wondering since we already friends maybe tings can work. Disaster always resulted.

Looking at D's list the only thing that really is a problem to me is being refered to as 'good friend' and 'like a brother'. You are busy being a gentleman/nice guy. They see you as the dependable one who they can confide in. You are automatically removed from their pool of prospectives. Why? Because you are not exciting!!! Worse if she secretly want a bad boy though claiming to want a good guy. Have you ever got the line.... "you're too nice for me. I wouldn't want to hurt you." Too late sista!!! Down the line I'll know that you did me a favour but right now it bites.

As soon as men hear the 'good friend' line, we know it means that we are not seen as men anymore. Effectively we have become one of the girls. They start changing in front of us cause we 'sofff'; we a no nutten to dem no more. So while we are being nice, Mr. Casanova comes by and with a more direct approach sweeps them away and then we get the friend speech and then have the 'sheer joy' of being the 'good friend' that is there to catch them when he invariable hurts them. Then we sit through the male bashing speeches consoling and reassuring, building back up the confidence so that another jerk can take her away again.

The question is why the hell do we stand for it? D has some possible explanations. There are others but this is not the forum for them (sorry guys).

Understand me!!!! There is nothing wrong with being a nice guy as long as you understand why you do it and you are comfortable doing it. There has to be a backbone somewhere in there. I got so caught up running back and forth rescuing and being there for people that I was dying inside because I was neglecting myself. NO wasn't difficult to say, it was difficult to stick to. So I started scheduling things that had nothing to do with women such that I had time for myself. Once I broke the patterns, I was empowered. I could now reasonably avoid the old situations and make better decisions.

Experience allows me to identify the bad girls from earlier now, so we avoid the song and dance before its too late. It helps that I am no longer on the market having finally found someone who appreciates my nice guy tendencies. But I have also found the balance. I'm a push over for her, but if I should feel that it's geting out of hand, ............ I have coping mechanisms.

D suggests a '12 step programme' to dealing with things. I agree with them; caveat-everything in moderation. Again what's missing is the fault of the man in choosing foolishly. Just like they can't change us, we can't fill the emptyness in them by being all that we can be. It's not external things that will heal them. They have to heal on their own. So we have to recognise when we are in over our head.

Possible signs:
1. Do they have a string of failed relationships in tow (emotional baggage attached)?
2. Pure family drama...always?
3. they keep choosing 'dogs'?
4. self-esteem shot to hell?
5. self-absorbed?
6. promiscuity and accompanying guilt as active pattern?
7. superficial?
8. Baby-daddies?
9. song dedication from DJ's
10. Policeman: baby fada, b/f, admirer, father

The self-esteem one can be tricky to identify, we all hide our weaknesses to some extent.

So, check D's manustcript and then review the choosing process and you should be in better stead.

Selah!!!!