We are merely a few days away from concert adn I don't feel the vibes. It shows in my playing. I get the notes but I don't concentrate and it doesn't have that extra humpfff to it. Worse is the small side. The notes refuse to stick in my head. I'm not sure what I can do to make things better.
There are a number of things weighing on my mind day in and day out. They distract me quite easily at practice. I find myself thinking about hospital work and wishing I was reading my books so that I could know more and help patients more. I tire of just standing by with jargon passing over my head because I haven't done the readings and can't follow the management. I tire of feeling stupid because my grp members can answer questions and I can't because I was at pan and went home bloody tired and slept the whole night. What's worse is that I'm not playing all the songs either, so I have less of a load. But I know I'm not putting in the kind of practice that I need or thought I would have been able to. Anyway, such is life.............my life.
Well no hurricane to safe us. Concert approaches still.
I'm experiencing abnormal aches and pains and muscle twitches and weakness in my limbs. Not debillitating but distracting. My rolling is shot because one hand refuses to respond to my commands. What is happening to me? Is it old age? But I'm just 30!!!!!! DAMN IT!!!!!!
Medicine is a humbling experience in two main ways.
1. The staff spend much of their time trying to belittle as many med students as possible with each comment. I swear they must have cash prizes for the winners they way they take such pride in it. Its either that or medicine attracts the sadists in our society.
2. To see ppl at their weakest and most vulnerable. To realise that they are human.,... we are human andwe are all frail and but by the grace of GOD we'd all be in a similar situation. The average ppt can't pay for their health care and will be treated as well as their pocket allows. Even when they have the money, they are still at the mercy of other human beings. Again reminding you of human frailty. So why the hell do we puff up our chests so much as if we are in control of anything?
It was the same thing when I was working at Family Court. You see women coming to court to get maintainance increased to $500/fortnight, up from $250. What the hell are you supposed to do with $500 every two weeks? Play CashPot?!? Yet you couldn't rush a small percentage of the men because they really didn't have enough to care for themselves much less that symbolic gesture (a gesture is all it really is). I put more than that in each car as gas each week.
Plain exhausted is what I am. I am running on adrenaline and intermittent will power. I gave blood this week. I've given blood about 6 times in the last four years. The needle still hurts, my right hand refuses to cooperate and so lefty is preferentially lacerated. Days after the site of vene-puncture is still paining me. Yet I'd do it again and will keep donating as long as they let me. It really is the least I can do to help someone.
Most of my notes are on CD. Ease of portability, minimal accessibility. What a bitch of a trade-off!!
My younger brother is a better man than I could hope to be. Perhaps I should be comforted that my older brother thinks the same about me.
"I like chocolate". The perfect phrase. It has no meaning and yet it is so profound. Someone yammering on and on and you are forced to listen, just respond "I like chocolate!" It'll either change the subject or break their stride. Either way you've regained control of the situation and created an avenue to get away. They saying something and you have no idea how to respond.... "I like chocolate!" They'll agree with you and go away satisfied or think twice before coming back to bother you. Great minds can't help but see the profundity of the saying. No matter what is happening, how complex a situation, how down you feel, how sexually frustrated you are, knowing that there is a constant in which you can derive such lasting joy and guess what.... GOD loves chocolate too!!!!
Chocolate makes everything better. If we spend more time in the production and pursuit of chocolate instead of power we'd be nicer to each other. Chocolate...... It even sounds abrosic saying it. Shoot, I even use it on myself.
I like chocolate!
2 comments:
I like chocolate too.
Sounds like we found Clark Kent. :D
No wait, I dont recall you wearing glasses, hmmmmm seems like we have a regular human being.
In any case man I say more power to you for surviving med, there must be some reason why in the five years you spend there, you are taken through some of your worst lows and humbled beyoned levels most people dont need for no apparant reason, but then ur job isn't trivial,
with greate resposibility comes 5 yrs of pain and suffering, interspersed with fun greate moments, close freinds and other people, not to mention other extracuricular demands that at times seem to sap the life out of you. hmmmm
hold on, u willingly signed up for this :S
well there is a light at the end of the tunnel, dont know what it is, but is should be somethin better.
Just know that u make a difference, and you got people rooting for you.
Hmmm...
1. I think the concert vibe (or lack of it) has much to do with the fact that: YOU'RE AT SCHOOL!!
When I was a skylarking youngster with the whole summer free - concert prac. was great. Now, I need liquor to get through. (By the way: heads up for this Tue. prac :-) ) Plus, our playing realy does suck.
2. Med is filled with pricks:
a) those who show students their middle fingers
b) those who try to tel you about your mother
c) tose who call over their friends to laugh at you
d) those who reduce you to tears
e) those who want sex from you
and so on.....
My whole attitude now is: Go on all you want - I go home to two ppl that love me (neither of which are you) and I will pass regardless of your ass. I'm here for the milk (and the patients) not to pat down the cow.
3. Cotton candy is better.
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