Saturday, December 17, 2005

Who says?

All my life I have been in the role of the strong one. I had to have the strength during times of hardship and then have the cliched statements ready; including the very real and often comforting statements of God's awesome power. But the reality is that not all the times you want to hear about the very real and good things. Sometimes you just want to wallow. I never really appreciated that when I was comforting others and although many were comforted by my words, I can only imagine the number who just wanted me to commiserate and shut my blasted mouth (I've been told I chat too much, I've been told that I make them feel fool because of my simplistic explanations, they said the same thing about my 'topical' range: Just can't please everybody).

Over time I learned that sympathy goes a long way. When I didn't have it in me to join the train of negativity, I just kept silent, empathised and offered my support as sounding board, strong shoulders and cuddly tummy.

But now I have realised that I too don't want to always be in control and be logical. I can be that for you if you want but I don't want it for myself always. I know the logical thoughts already but there is a fundamental right that I have been ignoring over the years. I want to feel the fear and the despair. I am human and entitled to it. I don't want to live my life like that (in fear). I don't want to pattern my life that way. I just want to be able to be weak and unsure sometimes just to let the emotions flow and then I can pick up back my logical self.

I don't want to burden others with it. I just want to be left alone to do it. That way I can do my grieving and you can get to keep the illusion of a tower of strength.

I think it is fair.

The above does not in any way deny the awesome power of God and his peace and comforting love. I'm just being real and expressing the emotions I feel as human as I have been made. I do recommend that you find your tower of strength in him or those who can point you to him.


bassChocolate said...

BB, I feel like I wrote this post myself.

Bashmentbasses said...

We a bass!! A so wi drop it!