A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY

Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the
dear) purchased a week of personal training at
the local health club for me. Although I am still
in great shape since playing on my High School
football team 25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a
good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a
personal trainer named Belinda, who identified
herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model
for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife
seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The
club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my
progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of
bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the
health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She
was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde
hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo
Hoo!!!!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the
treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast,
but I attributed it to standing next to her in her
Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the
skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics
class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did
my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching
from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made
it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back
and push a heavy iron bar into the air. Then,
she put weights on it!! My legs were a little
wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.
Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I
feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying
the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth
back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia
in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I
didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a
Mini in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient
with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she
gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell
would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told
me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like
teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled
back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a
half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my
shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells.
When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the
men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as
punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I
sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human
being has ever hated any other human being in the
history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little
cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat
her to a pulp with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't
have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in
the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@
Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a
health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have
been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in
her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did
not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I
lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and
ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services
today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is
over. I will also pray that next year, my wife
(the bitch); will choose a gift for me that is fun
like a root canal or a vasectomy