Who am I?

I have always prided myself on my intelligence and academic accomplishments. As a child I was called as many names under the sun as I care to recall. I used to be short and round (fat). I sucked my thumb, wet my bed, couldn't fight, was beat up, was teacher's pet, read for fun, was skipped grades ahead, etc.... Yet the one thing I knew was that I was smart and they could not take that away from me.

I had friends who I expected to go when they were ready, family who tolerated me becasue I was not as fun to be around. My older brother was pissed with me because I could do his school work with ease and I was 3 grades below him; and I refused to do it for him cause I said he needed to learn. So I got regular ass whoopings from him. I stayed inside and enjoyed the world of books.

Result? I was independent. I didn't rely on family, friends, not much around me. Permanence was not something I gave much credence to. When they blew in I enjoyed the company, but when it was time to blow out, I let go quite easily. This obviously caused much concern to family and friends alike who wondered why I didn't have the same sort of attachment to them that they had for me. I hadn't noticed.

I had my books. Eventually when academics became important, I gained many new friends. Life happened and then I started seeing myself differently. I was more than just a repository of information, that ppl could just come pick my brain. It helps that I became feisty as hell. I had nothing to lose afterall. I could step out there and go after whatever I wanted, because if I didn't, it wasn't gonna come to me. I needn't be afraid because it didn't matter what happened I'd been there already...on the receiving end of rejection.

Today I face a world where I'm not a smart as I thought I've always been. I wasn't as articulate as I thought I was. I wasn't as unafraid as I always thought I was. Today I was gripped in fear and I knew despair for a brief moment. It came upon me as I realised that I had to let go of that which kept me for those many years before.

I'm still smart, it just cannot take me through my life as the main attraction. Not for me anymore. I am bare and I am naked.

May God have mercy on my soul.