Journey in self-discovery

Today as I walked home, reflecting on the many reasons I conjured up in my mind about why I couldn't seem to focus on activities, it finally dawned on me (as so many other reasons have) that I'm not a truly disciplined person. It's not that I walk around eschewing indiscipline, but my main motivation is a sense of accomplishment at meeting a challenge, not the 'stick-to-it-ness' expected of discipline.

This was of course quite disappointing because I always thought that I was disciplined. What made it worse was when I realised that I don't pay much attention to things that are not challenging. So what does this mean for me? How do I move forward now? Is all lost with this revelation?

Ok, so for the important things in life, I accept the challenge and they get done with the requisite diligence. So when I was in charge of the finances for my household, there was no 'T' left uncrossed or 'I' not dotted. So that venture worked quite fine. But when things become routine and common place they don't see that sort of attention from me.

That scares me!!! Seriously!!! I know me, and it explains quite a bit. So if it results in the important things being done then why am I worried? Because when I think that I've got something under my belt, I'm likely to pay it very little mind and look for the new challenge. It also means that I'll obssess about tasks that are challenging just so that I can best them.

Discipline means that I'll accord a task its just time and efforts. I'll do so with the knowledge that I have many other things to do and so priority must be given to each in turn. With my challenge oriented approach I try to juggle everything at once, especially if I see it as a challenge to do so. Afterall if I can master four tasks why not?! The problem is that I do it at the expense of everything else except that which is on the front burner. No friends, no acquaintances, no food (yes it is possible), no nothing else...... I am infatuated with the challenge. For that time very little else matters.

So what has kept my fault hidden all this time..... even from me?

The fact that I come equipped standard with guilt. Guilt that rides me when I neglect something or someone important. So they get extra special treatment during the down time (how could I implicate myself like this). So when those challenges arise all is still well with those that get slighted.

So for now I need to come up with something that will get me all excited about school so that I can devote the time to it that it needs. Not just the time, but the enthusiasm as well since it is that which makes the difference. What will get me so excited over school for the next year and a half?

If you think of something let me know!