Saturday, October 28, 2006

Apologies, greetings, etc...


Once again I have to apologise for dashing off and not leaving a note on my blog for my regular visitors. Last week I hatched a plan to go to El Paso, Texas to see my older brother who is in the "Imperialist, Capitalist, Conglomerate for Armedly Spreading Peace and bringing Democracy to those who crave it, don't know yet that they want it, not in a position to determine if they want it...." (yes he's in the US Army). He was being shipped out to Iraq along with all the other small and middle fries on his base (nearly 2000 troups). The top brass have to stay and ensure that there is a smooth transition for those who'll be newly transferred in.

They told him they'd haul his ass out on the 28th/29th, but he should be ready in case they have to use an earlier flight. So he left yesterday along with all the other minorities..... (ok I don't know if that is true but it sounds like a good character assasination statement). As a result I had to move fast and hence the plot hatching.

Everytime I checked on-line I saw cheap fares that were steadily increasing in price until I had lost all the specials on Expedia, Priceline, Orbitz, Cheap tickets, (they did try). I didn't have a credit card (must be the only person without one) so I couldn't book when I had found a good deal. Also I hadn't figured out how I was gonna make it to New York to catch the flight cause the best deal from Jamaica was AA for $890USD to El Paso and $634 to NY.

I eventually went with Hotwire and I had to book and pay before they would give me the travel details. All they guaranteed me was that I'd arrive the day I wanted and leave the day I wanted. Turned out to be the best deal ($296 USD from New York's LaGuardia to El Paso, Texas, round trip, Friday morn till Tuesday night). So all I had to do was make it to New York before check-in 4am.

My younger brother and some friends worked up a ticket to JFK for me ($4000JD). Had to double dose up on deodorant because I had no check in luggage and solid deodorants are considered hardened gels....I guess almost does count.... should I declare my sperm as potential children travelling with me then? No hassle from Immigration so next stop was LaGuardia. I took a yellow taxi .......from hell (Lithuania) to LaGuardia at 11pm Thursday. Got there in one piece, no extra weight in my pants and tipped the guy out of fear/respect (how easy we use them interchangeably).

No entry to food court! Wtf?! So I made my way back to the departure area, stepping over the white guy lying on the ground perpendicular to the wall and the chairs near him, and past the elderly white couple who huddled together as my black skin absorbed all the heat in the airport (what else could it be...?) and found me a seat near the Hispanic cleaners.

I slept in the departure 'lounge my ass' waking occassionally to see the growing population of 'intransiters'. Alarm woke me at 3:45am and I got out of bed..... its not even funny.... at 4am to join the Delta check-in line (didn't feel adventurous enough to use the self-check-in kiosks. They took my bag cause it can't fit in their over-head bins (no deodorant for nothing). Went in to buy some food cause you know dem nah feed mi! All food stores open at 6am. Departure time 6am. Slight problem!

Hungry and tired I made my way to my gate, bought cashews at a news stand and boarded my flight. Took the granola bar they served me and the sip of fruit punch and slept until I arrived in Atlanta. They changed the gate so we were now at Concourse E and needed to get to Concourse B. Walking was not an option, so took the underground shuttle (assumed it was underground the number of steps I went down to reach it). By the time I reached my gate B17, it was time to board. So much for 45min lay-over. Luckily (for everybody-else) the food courts were open.

I had the Sun chips this time around. Then supported breast cancer research by buying pink lemonade for $2. Tried to upgrade it to the $5 martini, but they refused to take the extra $3 so I got the vodka for free and special treatment for the rest of the flight (more chips came my way). Flight was late by 1hr because some external sensor was frozen and they refused to depart until it was working or replaced.

El Paso is 4000ft above sea level and has no humidity. It is a dry place .... desert which they have attempted to turn into an oasis (all you can eat buffets everywhere). Everything is big.... except... the women have no bottom! What di hell!! My bro's house is 15min from Mexico... yeah we went... another story for another time.

We went to the base and ate, then to the supermarket, then the movies to see The Illusionist and then to Golden Corral all you can eat. The rest of the time was spent catching up and cleaning his house and dumping stuff until my father arrived from Ft. Lauderdale and he joined the fun. Then we had a good old fashioned family row over the failure of each of us to keep in touch (guilty as charged). We made up over Red Stripe and Guinness and departed Tuesday.

My jeans set off the metal detector and they sent for assistance. I got the feel up of my life as they talked dirty to me telling me what they were gonna do to me next. I was spent by the time I boarded. Two Sun chips later and a pink lemonade I was at LaGuardia. Had to circle the airport for an hour because of too much traffic (Air Force 1 was in the area). Pakistani taxi driver took me across to JFK and I dared not speak to him about his driving. Tipped him too... this one was out of fear!

JFK offered no soft worn leather(ette) seats. Just plain stone bench. I used it as did the others of us including a Middle Eastern man who kept talking to himself out loud about "getting many of them at once and they will learn... imperialist dogs". Some folks left, I looked him straight in the eyes, yawned and in my strongest patois told him goodnight. He left shortly after.

After I had slept a bit I walked in search of him found him snoring up a storm. When he woke I smiled and nodded and left. Walked past a couple of times nodding at him each time as I walked by slowly pushing my (stolen) cart. Actually I was going to the bathroom and then to find a working phonecard machine and then looking in shops. Freaking him out was coincidental.

Air J landed me in Kgn none-the-worse for wear, and that was the end of my adventures.

After this long cod post, we should all be spent and I'll check you all later.



Miss Mel said...

Welcome back :-D Did you give the inspectors value for money during their long search? ;) More importantly, did you brink back any candy?

The Seeker said...


Sweet Simone said...

its sad when a jamaican accent has more clout than a pakistani one, lol!

Thinkbass said...

This was hilariously funny...but saddly depressing because of the strong underlying current of truth about the current state of affairs that it brings.

Anyhowy...much respect on freaking out the middle-east guy. Don' know.

bassChocolate said...

They felt you up and talked dirty to you in the middle of the airport! Sounds like a scene out of 'Crank'! Lol!

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